A NEW GAME -CALLED CHASE THE ANTI

I think most smokers will know what I mean, when I say that since last July, smokers have been chased from pillow to post. We have been ostracised from society, we have been stopped from socialising with our friends, we have been told that we are un-clean, and that we stink, we are now being chased in the streets by council officials in case we drop the odd fag end, even though our streets are absolutely covered in chewing gum, which is almost impossible to clean off, and there are take-away wrappers thrown everywhere, none of that matters, because us filthy smokers have dropped a fag end.

We are herded into little groups outside in the rain and cold, and if we are very lucky, we are allowed to stand in ghettos, which they aptly named, Smoking Shelters, which of course, offer about as much shelter as a paper umbrella in a force ten gale.

And, even though the law states that smoking is banned in all indoor public places, we still have our gangs of friendly little Hitler officials, enlarging on these rules, by stopping us from smoking in bus shelters, on open railways stations, and even railway forecourts, which are completely open. Private clubs are also included, even though these are clearly not "public places".

You are not even safe from the Stormtroopers if you drive for a living, for they have even banned smoking in all company owned vehicles. So where can you smoke? Well you daren't smoke in your own home, if there is an anti about. They go absolutely berserk, waving their hands around frantically in front of your face and coughing and spluttering. I find it very strange that they didn't do this before last July, and also very strange that they don't cough or splutter whilst walking along a high street full of heavy goods vehicles belting out their non stop fumes.

Anyway, I think you must all have the picture I am talking about by now, so how do we play the game?

1. Never refer to an ant-smoker by name, always call them an Anti.

2. Constantly tell them that they stink of B.O and sweat and stale beer.

3. If they chew gum, wave your hand in front of their face all the time they are talking.

4. When you fancy a cigarette, tell the anti to go outside because you are going to smoke.

5. If you are having a dinner party, make sure to invite all your smoking friends, and just one anti, and then all light up. Tell him or her that you are sorry, but they can go outside if they don't like it.

6. If you have a garden and a decrepit old shed with no door and the roof hanging off, tell the anti that is the no smoking shelter, and they are welcome to go there while you are smoking.

7. If the anti has a car and you are offered a lift in it, insist on all the windows being open at all times, as you can smell the exhaust fumes which choke you and make you hair stink.

8. If you see an anti throw away any litter, no matter how small, report them straight away.

9. Never be a friend to an anti. Non smokers and anti smokers are two different things. Once an anti has been identified, he or she should be reported to all your real friends, and a large "Anti" sign nailed to their door.

I am sure you will be able to think up more rules for yourself, but these the basics for now.

Have fun.

Brilliant, I have already started.

Last night I was having a fag outside my local, when a man and a woman walked past me to go into the pub. The woman did a fake cough as she approached me and started all the hand waving business. I did exactly the same to her, and muttered 'oh my God that terrible B.O.'

We have to let these rats know how we feel.